the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”