The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.