The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.