The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
this was the best i’ve ever seen
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*