Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.