Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

everyone has that one prude friend

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Passwords are more important than ever.