Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”