Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda