Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware