Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

Alexa, make me look good naked.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.