Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

i baked you a cake

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???