the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Ken is short for chicken
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.