the three branches of government
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Hero horse inspires millions
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Erm…
