the three branches of government
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.