the three branches of government
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.