the three branches of government
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“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Would you wear it?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business