the three genders
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If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!