the three genders
You Might Also Like
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine