The three genders.
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me