The three genders.
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Bros before Ohioes
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
that de-escalated quickly
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.