The three genders
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*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.