the three genders
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
This is a sub tweet
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair