the three genders
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My Plans 2020
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Word!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!