the three genders
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches