The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
He took my last fry, your honor
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.