“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The days of good grammer has went
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!