“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
somebody come look at this
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?