“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?