“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.