The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one