the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…