Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

“Send dunes!”

– some dyslexic guy

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40