The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”