The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared