The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Well well well…
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.