Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Very good! 👍😂

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

Trying

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?