Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.