Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty