the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
As per my last nervous breakdown
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’