Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

listen closely

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I said “cool tattoo” to be nice not because I wanted to hear the 45 minute origin story.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.