Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax