The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
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*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you