Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.