The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
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How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.