The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
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Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.