Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.