The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.