Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.