the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
What
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle