the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
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Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Previously On Persistence 😎
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
nyc:
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
