THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
You Might Also Like
this is funnier than any friends episode
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Sing it!
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.