THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
#dalle2
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
shut up and take my money
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”