Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.