THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
You Might Also Like
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Just as the prophecy foretold
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.