THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I think I’m having a stroke
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy