THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.
So that makes sense
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend