The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone