The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
That’s amazing.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Be vigilant
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
