Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

This meal prepping shit easy

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Sign at work today

I feel it

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons