The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset