The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
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[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My Guy
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?