The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.