The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
How it started: How it’s going:
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.