Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

Go girl power!

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

imagine you’re sleeping and then some giant hands grab you and pick you up and raise you in front of thousands of people. Then they read out loud something they say you said but you didn’t and you can’t talk but now everyone’s pissed at you.

Happy groundhog day.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?