Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.