the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
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*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.