the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
tis the season
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.