the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
cause of death:
autopsy.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”