the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.