I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
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[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook