Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.