Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.