Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

I know karate and tons of other words.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

The first one, obviously

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

The Eggorcist

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Covid like

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.